Andy Smallman

We are all connected, each of us being a link in the chain of humanity. When your link performs an action, be it a kind or an unkind one, a positive or a negative one, it starts a vibration that resonates down the chain, impacting the entire chain.

Those closest to your link are most impacted, of course, as you are most impacted by those closest to you. But in impacting those close to you, you carry influence as to how these links impact those on down the line.

Your kind smile can literally change someone’s day, thus sending ripples of warmth down the chain.

To understand this story you first have to know some things. One, my mom is an only child. Two, my dad is the oldest of four children. Three, I’m the youngest of three (all boys). And four, my dad was on the road a lot when my brothers and I were kids, meaning my mom had to sometimes do some heavy lifting parenting on her own.

Okay.

One night when my dad was home and my mom was at a meeting, I got into it with my brother, Steve, who was in the process of dragging me up the stairs. Now if my mom was home, I’m pretty sure she would have handled it differently than my dad. He heard the commotion, came out of his office, noticed my new pair of glasses, and said, “Don’t break his glasses.”

There is wisdom in there somewhere.

Years ago, the mother of one of my students shared with me her concept of how to raise children in the most “fair” way. She told the story of purchasing a new winter coat for one of her two sons and the other had complained, saying, “It’s not fair. You bought Jimmy a new coat but you didn’t buy one for me.” The mom explained that she bought Jimmy a new coat because he’d outgrown his old one. Billy, the complaining son, could still fit into his coat and it was perfectly fine. She told Billy, “I’ll buy you a new coat when you need one.”

The logic and brilliance of this was immediately clear to me. As a parent, her philosophy is to provide what each of her children needs when they need it. To do otherwise creates competition and materialism. Treated this way, each of her children could relax, knowing that their needs would consistently be met.

This was actually the most “fair” thing she could do, she told me.

I believe human synergy is among the strongest forces in the universe and that the next phase of human development is related to learning how to better make use of it. Defined simply, human synergy is when two or more people come together in a way that accomplishes more than the people could do individually. It’s the age-old concept of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.

I try to describe it to my students this way. There is “you.” There is “me.” And then, coming together, there is “us.” Each alone, there are only two things, “you” and “me.” Together we have three things, “you,” “me” and “us.”

What kind of “me” do I bring to the “us?”

Which would you rather take, a million dollars on the first of a 30-day month or a penny doubled every day for those 30 days?

Do you know that if you take the penny doubled that by the end of the month you will have received over 10 million dollars, and over 5 million dollars on the last day alone?

I see that as a metaphor for the power of collaboration.

Two years ago while living in France I was laid flat by a stomach virus (see this post from January 10, 2011). I hadn’t been that sick in a long time and, to put it in perspective, that last time was with appendicitis. Melinda and Chloe were away, and Ella was with me. Not only that, Ella had the same bug.

Being sick and alone so far from home could cause one to feel very lonely. Instead, a neighbor showed up with bread and soup. Another friend not only asked if there was anything she could do, she phoned Ella’s school to make sure they’d know she would be out for a few days.

At one time these things may have sounded small. I know better now.

I just started an online kindness class called Kindness Blessings that involves the reading of a book called “My Grandfather’s Blessings” written by Rachel Naomi Remen. Early in the book (the first sentence in chapter one, in fact), Remen tells the reader that most people are given more blessings than they receive.

I find this to be a very interesting comment and am spending a lot of time thinking about it. To me, it means that we need to refine our ability to receive things. But I think it’s even more than that.

I think it has more to do with refining our ability to NOTICE things.

I think that seeing the world with childlike wonder is the actual fountain of youth. It keeps us young. We’ve all seen people who seem younger than they really are. Every time, when I see one of these people, they have a special twinkle in their eyes. It’s that childlike wonder sparkling through.

Take a minute to see if any part of this rings true for you. If not, visualize a classic picture of Santa Claus. There it is.

At its depth, I think our role as parents is like that of a gardener who understands what is necessary for a flower to emerge. You can’t force a flower to grow before it is ready, nor can you make it into something it is not. All you can do is provide your best effort in seeing the right nutrients are present and removing those things that threaten it from fulfilling its potential.

More or less that means to stay out of the way.

As parents, we want our children to learn from our experiences so we provide them all kinds of advice. Some of us even get upset with them when they don’t take it.

Go figure.

Sometimes, though, we understand the importance of allowing our children the space and time to figure out things in their own ways. Deep down we know that while we may be more efficient at feeding a one year-old, for instance, we know it’s in her best interest to handle the spoon herself. We clean up the mess, knowing it’s all part of the development process.

Some things people just have to learn for themselves.