Continuing to Process My Dad’s Death

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On Friday last week, I attended a meeting at the school I’m now working for (I’m the new principal at Spring Academy in North Seattle – want more detail, ask). While still in France, I had informed the leadership team that my dad had died and that I might need some extra time away than I had already been granted for Melinda’s and my France trip. They’ve been extraordinarily generous with time off, given my status as a new employee. And they responded to the announcement of my dad’s death with continued generosity – “Take as much time as you need.”

Anyway, there was a meeting of the leadership team on Friday and I thought it was important for me to attend. It turns out that they weren’t expecting me so it was a surprise when I walked in. I first saw the retiring principal, Frank, who greeted me with warmth and kindness. He’d read the two previous posts I’ve made here about my dad and after the first sent me a very supportive message. Having read the second, the one with the video of my Dad at the local racetrack, Frank said, “I didn’t know you had a connection to horse racing.”

My dad and me at Emerald Downs in the late 90’s.
“Yeah,” I said, “It was a major connection for my dad and me. I even worked for The Daily Racing Form on multiple occasions back in the 80’s & 90’s.”

“My father-in-law was a trainer at Longacres back then,” Frank said. “Maybe you heard of him. His name was Marion Smith.”

“You’re kidding me? Smitty, Million Dollar Smith? Everyone knew him!”

So there was one of those small world connections, the kind that make you think there is more to this world than just random coincidences.

Our school meeting got started and I was still basking in the connection Frank shared. Knowing I’d be heading over to my parent’s apartment after the meeting, I compartmentalized the story, saving it to share with my dad when I arrived at my parent’s. I knew he’d really appreciate it.

Seconds later, I thought, wait. I can’t tell my dad that story…

That’s what’s going on right now.

Al Smallman : Angles From Experts

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Processing my dad’s death is like how imagine it is to ride a roller coaster (I say imagine because I don’t ride roller coasters). The ups and downs, the feeling of celebration in one second followed by confusion or something like fear in the next. I suspect that anyone who has experienced the death of someone close knows what I mean.

My folks at Chloe’s & Alex’s wedding celebration – July, 2022.

I’m back home in Seattle and spent yesterday with my mom, along with my brother Steve who is up from the Bay Area, working on those menial transition tasks that you don’t really think about before someone dies (like how the credit cards were all in my dad’s name). I spent a couple of hours connected to his email account unsubscribing him from the many mailing lists he followed. Each click of an unsubscribe link had a little pang of pain, like I was deleting part of my father’s reality from the present. But it also brought a feeling of clarity, like removing a veil that allows me to better see his true essence.

See what I mean? Roller coaster.

I’m adjusting back to the Seattle timezone which after being in France for a couple of weeks takes some doing. As such, I get tired at odd hours and am wide awake at others, like 2am Seattle time (11am in France). This past night, at 2am when I was wide awake, I remembered a fabulous video that Emerald Downs made of my dad in 2017. I looked for it and found it on YouTube and am embedding it below. Playing it, it’s the first time I’ve heard my father’s voice since he died.

That’s another of those roller coaster moments, believe me.

31 July 2023 : Al Smallman (1934-2023)

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My dad died yesterday, having suffered a stroke overnight. Due to my mom’s awareness and fast-thinking, he was transported to the emergency room where local family members were able to be with him at the moment he passed away. Melinda & I were able to be with them all, and him, from France via FaceTime.

My dad turned 89 in July and had a marvelous life, including his marriage of nearly 65 years to my mom, raising three sons, being involved & seeing his seven grandchildren become adults, and knowing three great-grandchildren.

And as deaths go, his was pretty good. Having set the table for breakfast on Saturday night for him and my mom, he awoke at around 2am Sunday in a somewhat disoriented state that quickly deteriorated. He left his body less than five hours later. The doctor told us he didn’t suffer.

You could say he had a great life and a good death.

I’m including a few photos below as an initial tribute, captioned for context. And for anyone who’d like to know him a tiny bit better, here are some other times I’ve written about him:

On July 4th, my parents (along with Melinda, Ella & me) got to babysit Remy. This picture, from Remy’s house with Alex, Remy & Chloe, may be the last photo I took of my dad.
Last night in Nantes, soon after my dad had died, my buddies Bérnard, Laurent, & I toasted him in the best way possible – with three IPA’s.
Given my dad died early on Sunday, the local family accompanied my mom to church while I watched along via Zoom from France. I took this screenshot of the minister moments after she referenced my dad.
After the church service yesterday, the family returned to my parents’ apartment for lunch. My mom got in some “Remy Therapy.”

30 July 2023 : 365 Faces of Celeste (2023 Edition)

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Celeste is the third child of Christine and Bérnard, although she was the first of their children that we met back in 2010 (as memorialized in this post when I thought she was a mermaid). Quite quickly back then, and as the months & years have passed, Celeste came to hold a special place in my heart. Quietly, to her and sometimes her parents, I call her “my favorite French person.”

Back in 2015, Celeste came to stay with Melinda and me in Seattle for over five months. She attended the first semester at Roosevelt High School and lived in Ella’s room while Ella was attending culinary school in Portland.

This year, we weren’t sure if we were going to get to see any of the four Bertail children. All grown, they have their responsibilities to attend and these have currently taken them away from Nantes. Celeste lives and works in Paris, as an example.

So imagine our pleasure at learning that Celeste would be arriving in Nantes this weekend. She is beginning a 3-week vacation that will take her to Italy and decided to have it start by spending time in her childhood home with her parents and saying hello to Melinda and me. The five of us, Christine, Bérnard, Celeste, Melinda, and I, went out to dinner last night and in the process we got to get caught up on Celeste’s life. What a joy this was.

When Celeste was living with us in Seattle in 2015, I joked that I should start a special blog called “The 365 Faces of Celeste.” She is very expressive and extraordinarily photogenic as you can see from these two photos I snapped last night. And below the photos are all the links to the prior posts under this title. I invite you to enjoy getting to know my favorite French person.

Celeste 2023

3 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste I

5 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste II

6 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste III

15 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste Circa 2010

17 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste Circa 2010 Part II

22 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste (Blue C Sushi)

29 October 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste

27 December 2015 : 365 Faces of Celeste is Back!

5 January 2016 : 365 Faces of Celeste (circa 2011)

28 July 2023 : Lunch Destination (Paradox of Choice)

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So Melinda & I spent most of today out and about in Nantes, just the two of us. Since my beloved tramway line (Ligne 2) is closed for the summer for updates, we had to take bus #26 into town.

After wandering around and stopping at various shops to look for things for our grandson, we got hungry. We started looking for restaurants.

Which would you choose, if you were me:

CHOICE #1:

CHOICE #2:

We actually went with none of the above, opting for a salad bowl.

27 July 2023 : Dinner Out & 143

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Last night, Melinda & I took Bérnard & Christine out to dinner as a thank you for hosting us, among other things for which we have supreme gratitude. I wouldn’t usually say how much a dinner out cost, but the fact that it was 143 Euros was profound for me. If you want to know why, please read this post.

As we returned to the car, I snapped this picture:

A few minutes before that, soon after exiting the restaurant, I had taken this picture:

143

I’m also lamenting the death of the brilliant Sinead O’Connor today. Talk about somebody ahead of their time. Learn more in this short essay about her song “Black Boys on Mopeds” from 1990 and then listen to the song below.

26 July 2023 : Happy Birthday, Bentsen

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Hello Bentsen,

My name is Lupa. Christine and Bernard are my humans. I am a 6-month-old Akita Inu and spend my days teaching them how to give me treats when I do things like sit down and stay in one place. It’s really easy, but I have to make them think that it’s hard.

Here I am helping Bérnard pick out some cheese.
You may be wondering why I’m wearing this white bandage around my waist (see photos). Well, on Monday I went to the doctor and now, apparently, I’m not going to have interest in having any puppies. Whatever.

I’m ready for a treat.

Oh, sorry, I got distracted for a minute. A neighbor just walked by. How dare they! Who did they think they are? Good thing I’m on the job.

Oh, do you know what “whisper” means? Christine keeps telling that to me right when someone is walking by the house. I’m busy barking loudly to alert her to the danger and then she says, “whisper” and my name. It’s really distracting.

And here I am cleaning up the coffee table.
Speaking of distracting, the reason I’m writing is to say happy birthday and I almost forgot. Andy and Melinda who have new smells for me to investigate told me it’s your birthday today.

Can I come you to your party? Can you come to mine? Every day is a party, especially when you get a kong filled with cheese rinds. That’s the best.

Sorry, I got distracted again. Bernard just got home and it’s a lot of fun to tell him how glad I am to see him.

Have a great day, Bentsen. I think I’m going for a walk.

With bites, barks & bisous,

– Lupa

PS – Bentsen, do you know why the humans are so obsessed with poop? They’re always picking up mine. Do they collect it? Sell it on eBay?

26 July 2023 : Student Nurse Onesie

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Okay, so this post may not be so much about our time in France this summer. Feel free to file a complaint although I learned from my father when I was a child and unsatisfied about something that “The Complaint Department is not open.” Looking back, I don’t think the Complaint Department was ever open.

Perhaps there’s a lesson in there somewhere…

CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE
Anyway, after going to bed (in France) last night, I received a series of photo texts from Chloe, the photos all of Rémy in an outfit I bought for him soon before he was born. As you can see in this photo (oh, that’s Rémy’s dad, Alex, in the photo, too), it’s a onesie with the name “Student Nurse” printed on it.

Student Nurse was a Seattle-area band that I appreciated when I was in high school and just after. Learn more here and here. They were founded by John & Helena Rogers, John also going by the name Johnny Rubato. I got to know both Johnny & Helena a little bit because they ran Rubato Records, what was a fabulous used record store that began in downtown Bellevue. Typically, I had to head to the Ave in the U District to shop for used records so having Rubato’s in Bellevue, where I grew up, was a great nearby alternative.

(As a quick aside, this feature from The Stranger, which includes a reference to Rubato Records, is a great read if you appreciate used record stores and the people who work for them.)

Soon before Rémy was born in May, I was listening to some music online and came across the fact that Student Nurse had reunited to play a few dates last year. One click led to another (you know how that is, right?) and I found they had released a retrospective CD, that Helena was painting and selling art (I bought an original of hers of Big Mama Thornton that now hangs in my home office), and that I could purchase some Student Nurse merchandise.

I snatched up this onesie for the soon-to-be-born baby. And yesterday, while going to bed (in France), Chloe sent me pictures of Rémy in the onesie.

If we need to make this even more French-centric to warrant the “France 2023” tag I’ve affixed to this post, here’s Student Nurse and their song “C’est Tout” (French for “that’s all”) from that retrospective CD as posted on YouTube:

PS – Support independent music by buying the retrospective CD on Bandcamp.

25 July 2023 : Buying Clothes at the Grocery Store

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So there’s this ongoing joke in my family that when I’m in France I go to the grocery store to buy clothes. And I admit, it’s technically true. I like getting SOME of my clothes at Leclerc, a large grocery store chain in France that is set up like the large Fred Meyer stores we have in the US.

You can get groceries, to be sure, and at decent prices. Both Leclerc and Fred Meyer also sell household goods, even furniture and automotive things. There are sporting goods and electronics.

And, yes, clothes.

So every time we come to France, I make plans to head to Leclerc to check out the latest in men’s fashion. Or, better put, for the bargains that I might be wearing later this year.

Staying at the Bertail’s, and with Melinda hanging out with Christine and with Bérnard at work, I decided I’d walk to the Leclerc where I did most of our family’s grocery shopping during the sabbatical year, the place where I’ve bought quite a few of my clothes over the years.

Now one thing different about this year compared to past years, this time I’m a grandfather. In other words, I never really had reason to look at the baby clothes at Leclerc before now. And, boy, did I look. In fact, I was so taken by the cuteness I saw that I sent a text to Chloe, mother of Rémy, mother of my grandson!

It was about 1pm here in France when I sent the text, what is 4am back in Seattle. And guess what? Chloe was awake, feeding Rémy. She texted me right back:

Spoiler alert – Rémy will have some clothes from the grocery store. Just like me, Grandy, his grandfather.